Week 2: Finding Balance

This past week has sure been an emotional roller coaster. I spent most of the week indoors, chipping away at chores and feeling too cold to go outside (and maybe too socially anxious as well). Goodbye summer - hello, slow descent into winter.

Anxiety

This week, I had to wait for my Leave of Absence to be officially approved. I was admittedly a bundle of nerves the entire time, even though there wasn't much for me to do besides wait and field calls. After many calls back and forth, ruminating, and anxious nights, my leave was finally approved on Thursday! It was a huge relief but I also regretted waiting like my life depended on it. It felt like it robbed potential joy out of the preceding days, and I wished I hadn't spent as much emotional energy stressing out about it. But I've realized that's how I approach a lot of things in life that hinge on one decision that feels big or life-changing.

Since being formally diagnosed with general anxiety disorder last week, I've been seeing more of the influence of anxiety in my life. Sometimes it's manifested as endless worrying or endlessly doing things until I'm forced to sit still by mental or physical exhaustion. And a few nights, it's manifested in needing medication to fall asleep, which was an alarmingly undeniable sign that I'm still grappling with anxiety in a very real way, even beyond always feeling tense.

From a young age, I've constantly lived in anxious environments, where stress and achievement went hand in hand and academic accomplishments were prized and used to justify favoritism among siblings. To top it off, once I finally escaped my toxically competitive hometown, I attended a high-stress college that was known for its grueling experience that made students miserable. At that college, I dealt with not only stressful classes and anxiety about my future, but also stressful encounters with the opposite sex, including my Title IX case. 

After I graduated from that college, I had just one month of a summer break that was filled with moving apartments and traveling for 1 week before starting my high-stress corporate job - yet another high-stress environment where small mistakes were scrutinized and minute details like formatting were emphasized to the point of self-consuming absurdity.

Despite all the stress I endured, I never seriously delved into stress resolution methods, because I thought my main struggle in life was depression. But now that that has settled into the background, anxiety has come to the forefront as the dominating issue of my life.

This week, I decided to look more into anxiety resolution methods over the course of my LOA. If I can return to work with a toolkit for handling stress (or something close to that) without breaking myself, I'll consider it a success. While cleaning, I listened to some videos by Dr. K and other YouTubers on relieving anxiety. I have yet to discover which methods and approaches will work for me, but I'm looking forward to trying them out and finding that out for myself. 

So far, I like the idea of life being a great unknown; all my endless planning may not come to fruition, nor does it have to in order for me to have a good life. I don't have to know exactly where I'm going with my career, and that's okay.

Balance

Finally, I found some balance among all the grinding this week and left my apartment after a week. I got out of my head with a trip back to my old college stomping grounds and spent some much-needed time catching up with an old college friend. It was nice to get out and also spend time with someone I felt like I could just be myself with and whose company I genuinely enjoy. I felt more at peace sleeping that night, and I'd like to spend more time with friends who I feel comfortable around.

The idea of balance came up last week in therapy with the idea of just checking off a few things on my to-do list and counting that as a successful day, rather than seeing this endless list of to-do's that I'm trying to get done over my entire LOA. That's been helpful in just giving myself more grace and being more okay with the idea that I'm not "done" with all of my work, and that I don't have to be, no matter how far into my LOA I am. 

I'm starting to think of schedules as a way to build in balance into a life and ensure that needs across different dimensions are met, rather than seeing them as the time overlord that dictates what I MUST do at certain times. Throughout my life as a student, I think I was always at the mercy of some external schedule, which is why I hated scheduling, but as an adult with more freedom, I'm starting to think that scheduling can be a friend rather than a foe.

Timelines

And maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself to get everything done all at once, especially under certain timelines. 

October crept up on me, and sent me into a bit of a panic because my original plan was to return to work in early January (but technically late Dec). It still feels like too little time to figure out my life (which in itself is a daunting phrase) and what works for me, especially with travel plans taking up a good chunk of time next month.

I feel like I'd regret not visiting friends in other cities during this LOA, but I keep forgetting that it's optional to see people if I'm too overloaded, and that I should be spending my time however I'd like instead of how I think other people would expect me to spend my time. 

And the anxious voice in my head also wonders if by the end of this LOA, I'll really have things figured out or not. I think my biggest fears over this are having regrets, and that includes:

1. regrets over not doing the things that I'd like to do (travel internationally), and

2. not figuring out how to manage my anxiety so I can return to work without reaching the point of a mental break again

I'm trying to have more faith in myself in the latter. I can't guarantee I'll have it all figured out, but as long as I'm making effortful progress toward that end goal, I should end up in a better place than where I started this leave. Just building that confidence is where I'm lacking right now, and remembering to balance that with fun things and rest feels like a lot sometimes.

I hope to share an update on how I'm finding balance next week!